Snape XSE
by hahaharrypulp
Summary: We've all heard about Snape's prowess. Well Snape has a big surprise for Hermione. Another HahaHarry production! A note for you less than silly people who think this is serious: This is a parody and a joke.
1. Chapter 1

Prequel:

Snape stood in his foyer. He unzipped his pants and let his long penis fall to the floor with a thud. "They don't call me a Slytherian for nothing", he boasted to himself. To say Snape's penis was large was an understatement. To say he was a sex god, equally so. His appetite was veracious, untamable, his member was as large and thick as a small tree branch. He left his consorts wide eyed and drooling like they had seen into a magical world Merlin could only dream of. He also had his eye on Hermione Granger. 

Present:

Hermione arrived early to Snape's classroom, carrying a handful of parchments. Snape rose from his chair and half waddled over to Hermione. "Why does Snape always walk so weird?" Hermione mused quietly. Suddenly his hot breath was inches from hers. He smelled of sandalwood, roses, fresh baked bread, pumpkin juice, and breast milk.

He wordlessly took Hermione's parchments and looked them over. "There will be no working ahead in this class." He sneered angrily. "Twenty points from Gryffindor."

"That's not fair!" Hermione huffed.

"Talking back to your teacher has just earned you a detention, Ms. Granger and another ten points." Severes shuffled back to his desk and sat down, returning to his work.

"Snape is such a jackass." Hermione thought to herself. She could barely concentrate on the lesson. She seethed with anger. "He's always picking on me."

After class Hermione stayed in her seats. When the students cleared out Snape once again hobbled over. "Hermione, I want you to clean my Exodoneous potion bottles that were just delivered from France, for your detention." Snape gestured to a box in the corner of the room Hermione hadn't noticed before. It contained many long neck bottles. "You're not to use any magic," Snape hissed. "Only this." He threw a pale colored hand towel towards her.

Hermione silently went to work pulling out the first of many bottles.

"I want to see what you're doing. Make sure the technique is right." Snape purred.

Hermione's eyes flashed in anger. "Why does Snape get on my nerves so much? Ugh."

Hermione started rubbing the long neck bottle glass up and down. Snape sat behind his desk giving Hermione specific instructions on how to hold it and how fast to rub.

He felt himself growing hard. Hermione couldn't see anything from this angle, why not? Severes Snape deftly pulled up his robe with one hand and undid the pants holding his penis. It could easily be used as a jump rope.

Soon he realized his mistake. His penis was so long it had slid under the small space underneath the desk and was now peaking out the other side.

"Professor?" Hermione chose that exact moment to speak up. "This cloth is dirty and since I'm not supposed to use magic, what do I clean it up with?" She walked near the desk and Snape watched horrified as her sharp black shoes clicked closer to the end of his penis.

Snape's breath caught as her shoes pressed down hard on his soft member.

"Professor Snape?" Hermione asked barely concealing her annoyance.

"Are you ok professor?" Hermione's voice suddenly became concerned. Her professor's normally pale face was turning bright red.

Snape picked up his wand from the desk. "Sccoo-rrggg-iifyyy" He blurted out cleaning the cloth in Hermione's hand.

Hermione finally moved away and Snape let out a big exhale of breath. Hermione, confused, turned away for a moment and he rolled his penis back into his pants like a muggle retracting a garden hose.

"I'm fine! Stop making excuses to dally in your work! "Snape snapped.

Hermione's eyes flashed. She continued to rub the bottles while subtly glancing at Snape from time to time. She noticed him staring at her intently but now silently. "Is he that worried I can't even clean a bottle right?" Her blood felt hot. "Why is he staring at me like that? It's making me uncomfortable"

Finally Hermione finished her work. "I'm done professor." Her voice sounded oddly strangled.

"You may go." Snape waved his hand dismissively.

Hermione's shoes snapped in fury as she stormed off making Snape cringe. 


	2. Chapter 2

A week had passed since Hermione's detention. Snape seemed to pay her little attention aside from leaning in closely to watch her work. Her breath labored like a pregnant Hippogruff every time he brushed near her. "It's just nerves." She told herself.

She was adding some goblin blood to a potion when Snape once again moved behind her. Her concentration was lost and before she knew it she had dumped the whole vial into the pot. It turned brown and exploded covering her and the professor in sticky goo.

The class erupted in laughter. Snape cast Scourgify and whispered next to Hermione's ear like steel over barbed wire and iron with diamonds in it. "Detention after class, Miss Granger." He silenced the rest of the class with a look.

Hermione glanced down at her hands once all the students filed out.

"You seem to have a problem concentrating in class lately Miss Granger."

"I'm sorry professor…" She began, but he cut her off.

"Tell me, why are you having such a hard time concentrating?"

He stood inches from her desk. She could feel the heat coming off of him like an easy bake oven. She always wanted an easy bake oven. It really wasn't fair she never got one…

"Hermione!" Snape's voice snapped like a twig's. "You're not paying attention again. You will listen when I address you."

"Yes sir, I-I'm not sure why I'm having trouble paying attention. It's just whenever you're near me…" Hermione cupped her hands over her mouth. She couldn't believe she said that!

"So I am making you nervous then?" Snape purred like a cat. "I wonder why that is?"

"I-I'm not really sure." She cast her eyes downward.

"I think… it's because you're attracted to me."

"What! No!" Hermione blurted out quickly.

"Hmm, you seemed a little to passionate in your denial Hermione. It is not uncommon for a student to have certain feelings for their teacher."

Hermione's head whirled, it all made sense. She glanced up at Snape's eyes, as black as the lake outside Hogwarts, the one by the tree whose name escaped her. She knew the truth of his words and blushed like the sunrise over that one hill over Hogwarts, she couldn't remember the name of it…

"Hermione!" Snape hissed like a snake.

"Yes sir." She said in a whisper. "What you're saying may be true but I-I-won't let it affect my schoolwork anymore."

"I'm afraid that won't do Hermione. I think we need to find a way for this crush to be satisfied once and for all."

Hermione's eyes lit up. "Do you have a potion or something?"

Snape chuckled darkly. I have something that will cure you much better than any potion ever made.


	3. Chapter 3

Snape reached for Hermione and shoved his tongue in her throat. She tasted of honey, mint, prime rib, sarsaparilla, cucumber, and cinnamon Chiclets.

Hermione groaned like an old lady with a back problem.

Snape ended his embrace. He grabbed Hermione's hand and led her to a door in the room it opened to his private chambers. Hermione's eyes went wide. This was definitely not what she expected. There was a huge bed in the center of the room. Chains, whips, a sling, and torture equipment hung from the wall. A strange long tube caught her eye, it rested on a wall almost touching the ceiling.

"What's that?" She asked.

"My penis pump." Snape said nonchalantly.

Snape ushered her in and threw her down on the bed, quickly removed her clothing.

"Now Hermione, I don't want to scare you but my penis is rather large."

"How large?"

"Just close your eyes and don't open them until I tell you." Snape began kissing Hermione again, his tongue darting in and out like a snake. His hand expertly kneaded her breast like soft dough. He moved his mouth down and began licking her belly like a dog licking water from a bowl. He moved his mouth even lower till he found Hermione's core, her sweet womanly pot of sugar and honey. Hermione whimpered in pleasure, like a house elf getting a sock. Snape teased her clit with his tongue, it was as hard as a dried up river rock. He moved his tongue lower, swirling it around as if a chocolate frog was melting on her cooch. Hermione was wetter than Hagrid taking a shower.

"I think you're ready for me. Now keep your eyes closed."

Hermione obeyed. Snape removed his robes and his pants.

Hermione waited in anticipation. Snape was making her so hot. She heard a loud pumping sound. She wanted to see what was going on so bad. She finally felt him at her entrance. Oooh it felt so good. Soon Snape was plowing in and out of her. He sure was big, sometimes he went in to far and hit her cervix and it hurt a little, every time she made a face though Snape seemed to back off a bit.

She felt so good the pressure was building up like a plugged faucet. Snape increased his speed and her walls tightened around him like a knapsack. She exploded and felt hot white molten lava drip down her legs. Snape continued banging her like a banshee. Hermione noticed she felt cold. She could feel Snape's penis inside her but his body wasn't pressed up against hers. She found that to be a little strange. She decided to take a little peek and slightly opened one of her eyes.

Hermione screamed in horror. There across the room was professor Snape banging into her with abandon. He was so far away he was almost against the wall. His penis shot out and when she looked down, could see it had reached across the room to her and across the bed to reach her. She wondered how he could even make it erect. Snape was using his whole body to move his penis back and forth. She screamed again and blacked out.

She awoke to a cool cloth against her forehead. "There, there Hermione." Snape used a gentle voice she had never heard before.

Hermione came to and jumped away huddling on the corner of the bed. "Oh Merlin, Oh Merlin." She rocked back and forth in a daze.

"Hermione, I told you to close your eyes. You were having a good time before you saw how… large I was right?"

"That-that thing is a monster!"

Snape looked crushed.

"I mean I-."

"It's ok Hermione. Look just give it, I mean me, a chance."

Hermione looked doubtful. "Give me some time to think, ok?"

Hermione grabbed her clothes, she dressed quickly then left. She walked around Hogwarts and returned to her dorm. "Snape can't help it if his penis is so large right? Maybe I should apologize."

Hermione made her way back to the dungeons. She knew she had made her choice.


	4. Chapter 4

Authors note: Due to all the reviews and demands for more I decided to add another chapter to the Snape story! :D *End note*

Hermione discovered over time that Severes, as she now referred to him, had to roll up his penis and stick it inside a pair of over-large underwear to keep it from getting in the way. Sometimes however it slipped out as the day progressed and made him walk funny. Hermione worked tirelessly and created a small device he wore on the side of his pants that when pressed would magically retract his penis back inside his underwear.

Hermione knew he was sensitive about his large penis but tried to bring the subject up anyway after he'd had a few fire whiskeys. "Severes, have you ever thought of-of getting your penis reduced? I mean, wouldn't it make life easier for you?"

Severes glared at her darkly. He rose and dramatically threw his whiskey glass into their fireplace, shattering it. He turned his back on her and raked a hand through his hair in frustration. "Hermione, I thought you accepted me for what I am… I guess I was wrong." He snapped, turning and walking from the room.

Hermione didn't bring up his penis again for many weeks. They still made love. Hermione closed her eyes each time since it was to weird seeing Snape across the room from her, moving his body back and forth on his heels while his penis rode her.

"Look at me Hermione." Snape demanded one time while they made love.

"What?" Hermione asked, her eyes still closed.

"Look at me!" He yelled. He was across the room so Hermione didn't get the full impact of his voice, but could tell by the echo he meant to yell in frustration.

Hermione opened her eyes. Snape was covered in sweat. His penis reminded her of when her mum used to hang a long clothing line across the back yard, except Snape was much thicker. His member stretched across the length of the room and across several feet of the bed where the view of it finally ended inside Hermione's lips. His body rocked back and forth.

"I want to try something new." Severes gasped between breaths. He looked exhausted from having to use his whole body to move his penis. Hermione looked at him curiously, then with something akin to horror. Severes began jumping up and down. His penis reverberating inside Hermione. The sensation wasn't unpleasant but she couldn't take watching him do it.

"Severes, stop please!" Hermione screamed so that Snape would hear her.

"Don't you like it Hermione?" Snape yelled back.

Hermione scooted out of Snape's penis and rolled to her side. She felt the bed move as Snape's penis slid away. In a few minutes Severes joined her. "What's wrong Hermione?" He asked with concern.

"Nothing." She mumbled.

Snape sat silently for a few moments. "It's my penis isn't it? You can't stand to look at it." His voice rising.

"I can't even talk about this with you, you're so sensitive about it!" She snapped.

"You told me you could accept me how I am." He said coldly.

"I have accepted you! But it doesn't have to be like this! You could get a penis reduction!"

"You want me to change how I am?" He sneered.

"How do you think I feel Severes?" Tears glistened in her eyes. "I can't even feel you close to me. You're on the other side of the room! We can't even do other positions. I'm trying Severes, I'm really trying but you can't see that."

Severes clenched his fists, "Those surgeries are dangerous Hermione... I-I'm afraid."

Hermione knew it was hard for the potion master to admit he was afraid of anything. She moved to embrace him but slipped on his penis that was still dangling around the bed. He hoisted her up. "I-m sorry Severes. Look, we'll work it out somehow."

Their night together was no longer mentioned. Hermione spent nights in the library exhausted, pouring over books about transfiguring items into a smaller size. She knew it could be done with other objects, but the effects weren't permanent. She mail ordered a special book from the Wizard's Sex Cove and found a potion that might work. She kept her studies a secret from Severes.

The brewing took several days and finally Hermione finished. She stopped the top of the green fluid which floated inside a tiny vial. She knew Severes would never agree to take it. She hoped that when he saw the results she would be forgiven.

"What's all this?" Snape asked as he settled into a small chair. Hermione had made a nice dinner with some wine.

"I just wanted to surprise you." She said trying to cover her guilt.

Snape dug into the food and she watched as he drank down his wine. After a few moments he closed his eyes. "What's happening?" He gasped. He rose from his chair, knocking it over. "What did you do to me?" He hissed darkly.

Snape fell to his knees and covered his ears. "Severes!" Hermione knelt by him and shook him with concern.

"My penis, my penis! What did you do to my penis?" He raged.

"Severes, it was for your own good."

Snape quickly unbuttoned his robe and pants. His underwear hung on him loosely. There was no trouser snake within it. He panicked and dropped them to the floor. Blood filled his ears as he looked down to see a small barely inch long penis, its width the size of a small button.

"The potion worked Severes!" Hermione said optimistically. "You may have had too much of it but it works! There's no side effects."

"No side effects!" He could barely bluster out his words. He was enraged. "Look at what you did to my penis!! I've seen broken quills bigger than this!"

"Look, let me brew another potion and we'll get it right." Hermione flustered.

"No! I'll never forgive you for this. You did this without my knowledge or consent. You should have been housed in Slytherin you witch!" Snape's hands were shaking, he wanted to strangle the witch.

"Severes! I did it for your own good. Now you'll be able to walk right again, we can have a normal life!"

"Normal? I couldn't fuck a bird with this penis."

"This is a step Severes, a step. I promise I'll get it right next time. I know what I did was wrong but you never would have agreed to it. Now you don't have to be afraid anymore." Hermione pleaded.

"Get out." Severes spoke calmly. It was almost worse to Hermione than his rage.

"Please, think about this Severes. We can fix this."

Snape eyes were empty. "You never accepted me for who I was Hermione. I never want to see you again."

"Would you be reasonable! How can you expect anyone to accept getting fucked across the room by a 140 inch penis?" Hermione covered her mouth. She hadn't meant her outburst.

"You finally tell the truth Hermione. I tried my best, but it wasn't enough."

"I-I didn't mean..."

"Get out." He said blackly.

Hermione decided it was best to leave. She tearfully left the room and shut the door.

Hermione rarely saw Severes over the next two weeks. He wouldn't even glance in her direction when they passed in the hall and had been taking meals in his room. Hermione missed him terribly. She tried studying her mail order book again and realized the potion she used was permanent. There were penis enlargement potions but they were unstable at best. The outcome could be a couple inches or even twenty. Only temporary enlargers had any kind of accuracy, and Severes would hate her for having to take potions every time he made love. At least the permanent enlarging potion might find him a happy middle ground, but she knew she could never give it to Severes. She decided to leave the book in front of his door and hope he took matters into his own hands.

Was Severes right? Maybe she had never accepted him fully, but he was also being unreasonable about how difficult it was to have sex with a freakishly gigantic penis. Now that he was gone she realized she would accept him totally, gargantuan penis and all, if only he'd come back. He would never trust her again.

Severes walked to his door and saw the book Hermione no doubt left him on penis enlargement. He threw it in the nearest bin. The first few days all he could think of was Hermione's betrayal. He noticed after a time however that he could walk better, he felt lighter. He purchased a small pair of boxers for the first time. He wondered what it would be like to make love with someone and feel their body close to his. He wasn't sure, but he felt more commanding and respected in his classroom, he no longer walked with a gait, constantly re-rolling his penis up whenever he had a moment to himself. As much as he hated to admit it Hermione had improved his life. He would have never drank the potion if she had asked. What she did was still unforgivable. However much he missed the witch.

He returned to his rooms one day to find Hermione sitting inside. She was dressed provocatively in white and green lingerie. "What are you doing here?" He tried to steady his voice.

"I've made a terrible mistake Severes. You were right, I didn't accept your penis, as much as I tried. I want to show you that I realized I love you, no matter what your penis size is." She moved towards him.

"You need to leave Hermione."

Hermione pressed her body against Severes's. "Please Severes, let me show you."

"Look my penis is still as small as a house elf's. Even if I wanted to I couldn't."

"That's the point Severes, I want you to take me with what you have. Love knows no... err... penis boundaries."

Severes eyed her speculatively. Well if that's what the witch wanted. She would get it. Snape removed his clothing. His little nub stood at attention. Hermione knelt down and put it into her mouth. Her mouth devoured it in its entirety. She had to purse her lips to get some friction on it.

"Gods Hermione yeses." Snape moaned as she bobbed her mouth in and out. It fell out a few times but she quickly recovered.

"I want you Severes." She crooned.

Severes leaned her back on the bed. He tried to direct his penis inside her but it wasn't working. Hermione, sensing disaster, told him to lie on his back. She grasped the small member and with precision got it just inside her lips. She moved very slowly and minutely so it wouldn't fall out.

"It's so good to feel you like this Hermione." Severes's hands wandered all over her body. Snape felt himself getting ready to gush. He spilled his seed inside of her. Hermione still rocked back and forth. "It's so good Severes."

Snape frowned. "Hermione, I came ten minutes ago." Hermione blushed. She couldn't tell that it had fallen out. "Oh, I know Severes." She smiled brightly to hide her lying. "I just like rubbing up against you and feeling your body." Snape eyed her suspiciously but the witch had proven her point, she was ready to accept him, whatever penis size he had.

"Hermione, about that penis enlargement book..."

Hermione snuggled up to Snape and sighed happily. She knew through their trials and tribulations, large and small, even if she underhandedly slipped potions in his drinks like a nutter, they'd always be together.


End file.
